Can't, Won't, Must
by The13thGirlWithoutASoul
Summary: My first finished Avengers fic. Song is Rinse by Vanessa Carlton; Janet, Natasha, and Jane think on how badly their love lives are messed up.


**A/N- Okay, I apologize for the complete suckiness of JaneXThor. There isn't much character development for them as a couple, or any character development for Jane, but I assumed she would be falling for Thor though not taking it very seriously. And also I'm trying to prepare her for Sif. I ask you to please read the song as well as the words. The things I did not say in the Fic are expressed in the lyrics. I hate songfics that are all songs and no Fic, so I hope I got enough story in there. Enjoy!**

_She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye_

_She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise_

_She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright_

_For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight_

* * *

At first, she had been angry. Furious. How could he say those things? How could he leave her, The Avengers, and as those two categories were everything, by default, leave his entire life behind? She is Janet van Dyne, for God's sake! This is not supposed to happen to her! Then she had begun to wonder, defeatedly, if maybe Hank, or Dr. Pym, as she's taken to calling him, rather spitefully, in her head, is right. Whatever they had was _impossible_. Was it because she had the _money_ and he had a way to give her _superpowers_? Was it because she was _bored_ and he needed someone to take care of his life while he lived in _science_? Only she can't accept that, not at all.

Then she's just sad. And Cap tries to cheer her up, and Carol tries in a roundabout way because she can't comfort, but mostly everyone pretends they don't know what's going on and try not to mention anything that could make any of them remember, because she knows everyone is still upset themselves, and she's pretty much come to terms with how _mean_, and _shallow_, and _manipulative_ she is, has been, and probably will be, and it's probably all her fault. She goes over every minute of her time with him together in her head and she knows that he had left the Avengers even _before_ Ultron, he _wasn't_ with her even when he _was_. And so their love _fails_. She's _Janet van Dyne_ and he's _Hank Pym_, but they can never be _Janet and Hank._

* * *

_She must rinse this all away_

_She can't hold him this way_

_She must rinse this all away_

_She can't love him this way_

* * *

_How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see_

_She needs to be held in his arms to be free_

_But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand_

_'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man_

* * *

She has no chance. She knows it, and it's silly for her to think otherwise. Even if there is some attraction on his part, it would never work, because he is _Thor_, and she is a _paramedic_. And she isn't stupid. She understands that he likes her, maybe more then just as a friend, but she has seen the woman he calls _Amora_, he calls her _Enchantress_, and she is cruel and beautiful and she _loves_ him, and she comes from his realm, and one day another beautiful goddess, someone he would never have to save, will catch his saves her constantly. He thinks her brave and she thinks she's doing her job. And she is.

But she just does not understand why she has to be toyed with like this. Catching the eye of a god, whilst practically knowing that it would be impossible to have anything more then attraction, is horrible. So she tries to distance herself. Only every time he saves her or helps her or just comes to see her, she can't help but agree and smile and banish the thoughts for a few minutes, at least, for then he is hers, but after he is gone, all she can think of is pending heartbreak, and since he is inflicting it, no amount of lightning and thunder can protect her from that pain. And so their love _fails_. She's _Jane Foster_ and he's _Thor_, but they can never be _Jane and Thor_.

* * *

_And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed_

_What could be the worse than leaving something behind?_

_And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow_

_It's loneliness she finds..._

_If only he was mine_

* * *

When she had received the assignment, it was set several months before she would have to do anything about it. Do whatever you must to gain HYDRA's trust and assure them of your loyalty, the assignment had instructed. But right then she had only to be around Clint to forget treacherous orders and remember the innocent ones. She tried to be around him more then usual as a result, basking in the few moments until he would see her as evil, as the enemy. But the Black Widow never forgot anything for long.

Until the night. Why did he follow her? Why hadn't she been more careful? In that moment, practicality took over and she knew what she would have to do, and in that slow-fast moment, her heart ached even as she yelled the words that would get him arrested. Prickling behind her eyeballs signified that this was a situation where a normal girl would have cried, and she was barely aware of what she was saying as she spoke to Baron Strucker. The creature. She only longed for one more moment as Clint's partner. But then he _leaves_. The SHIELD agents take him away. Then she had been scared for herself, and sorry but dutiful, and mostly upset as Clint tried to turn her in to the Avengers.

She was sure she could escape if he left her on the ground, but considered not bothering. Maybe she deserved to become a monster. Maybe she already was and would only have the face to match. _"Cheer up, Widow. Your new green skin will match your eyes."_ She turned when he said that, quickly, and he did as well, and they looked at each other for a moment. _You remembered my eyes_. She almost said it. But she didn't. And he _leaves_.

Then he's helping her escape the SHIELD agents so she can look for Fury, and he asks her to come back to the Avengers with them. She understands that he does want this, he isn't just asking to be nice (nice for no reason isn't one of Clint's strong points). She can't go with him, but he can go with her. And she remembers when she could've shouted and she could have spoken and he left. So she kisses him, and then she leaves. And so their love _fails_. He's _Clint_, and she's _Natasha_, but they can never be _Clint and Natasha. Never again. _

* * *

_She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye_

_She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise_

_She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright_

_For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight_

* * *

_She must rinse him_

_She must rinse him_

* * *

He deserved Mockingbird. Bobbi had a fairly innocent past as SHIELD agents went, nothing like herself.

* * *

_She can't rinse him_

_She can't rinse him_

* * *

She really, really thinks she should stop funding his science projects, only she keeps putting it off when Carol insists it. She's beginning to wonder if that's harmful.

* * *

_She can't, she won't, she must rinse him_

_She can't, she won't, she must rinse him_

* * *

She resolves that the next time he tries to talk to her that she will turn him away. But then whenever he's with her she forgets everything.

* * *

_She must rinse this all away_

* * *

When it came down to it, she just isn't willing to let him go. But he left the _Avengers_. He left _her_. He's _gone_.

* * *

_She can't hold him this way_

* * *

She torments herself. If she hadn't left, would he have? They were partners. Friends.

* * *

_She must rinse this all away_

* * *

She resolves to distance herself. How else can she prepare for her own heartbreak?

_She can't love him this way_


End file.
